To my daughter

By Nhi

It used to scare the hell out of me when thinking about having a child. All of a sudden, you were responsible for the life of another person. I wondered if you would grow up and wish you were born into another family, where you could have a better and more successful Mom. I thought about how hurtful it would be for you when you realized that you could not totally hate me, even when I hurt and failed you, because I was your Mom. I didn’t want to use my title as a Mom to force you to feel guilty whenever you were against my ideas and beliefs. I got shivered realizing that you would be the person you would be because of me. When you grew up, would you question why I never gave you a chance to learn an instrument or paid for you to go to a better school where there was no bullying? How could I get you to be honest with me, when I had the ambition of becoming both your Mother and Friend? Would you ever tell yourself, “If she wasn’t my Mom, my life wouldn’t be so tough”?

Those thoughts pained me.

You are a tiny innocent being dealing with a woman who has a greater well of thoughts about you. And I am so sorry about that.

These thoughts used to scare me, and now when you grow up, they terrify me. You are like a sculpture and I am the artist. I wonder how many times I have made mistakes in forming your life. When you smile at me and tell me that you love me, I question if you are forcing yourself to do it so you wouldn’t feel guilty or you do it from the bottom of your heart.

I love you.

I am so sorry that when you went to elementary school, I couldn’t afford to provide you with the best education, so that you never picked up the work ethics needed in school. You had to work so hard later when you realized that you were behind other students. I am also sorry that you had to take care of your two little sisters for most of your childhood, helped me cook, did housework and did the work a Mom should have done. I am so sorry that when you struggled with your homework, I cannot help you because I never go to school. I am sorry I never braid your hair, teach you girls’ stuff, share with you my thoughts and hug you. I wasn’t with you when your first boyfriend broke your heart. I am sorry for every time I lose my temper and don’t listen to you and say words that can scar you.

I am sorry for knowing that I am hurting you, but still do it because I know you will never be able to hate me.

I am sorry that I never say sorry to you, even when I am wrong.

I am sorry that I am saying sorry now, but it is as meaningless to you as water spilled on wet ground after a rainy day.

I am sorry so much.

This photo does not belong to me. Photo Credit: http://www.startsateight.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/ToMyChildFailedblog.jpg

[This is a part of my creative writing project, which I am doing in college. I hope you will enjoy reading it and let me know what you think!]

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