today i have heavy boots like Oskar Schell and carry all the loneliness in the world like Leo Gursky. i would like to talk about myself very much but i think i am slowly losing the ability to talk, like that man who carries around a notebook to write down the short phrases that still stay with him. i miss literature. i miss art. i miss singing. i miss telling people that i love them very much.
i also miss my memories. memories don’t stay. they escape. they die. they force people to let them go because accepting that you are living in the past is painful.
i don’t know what i am writing about. it is weird because if i stop to think about what i am writing, i won’t be able to write and that upsets me so i keep writing. that makes me start to wonder: what if the first draft is always the best draft?
tonight i am in desperate need of beautiful writing and raw emotions. i want something tender, sweet, unpretentious and humane. i want a writer to tell me what means to be a human and how to live because living, how do you do that? it is so difficult to live well that people don’t live anymore. and that upsets me.
someone wrote about stars in the sky this time last year and i want to read that piece again. it is beautiful and makes me dream and wonder. it makes me want to live.
“Do you want to know how I think you have changed?”
“You are free and independent and growing. I think you are still sensitive but much stronger, more accepting and not as easily swayed.”
Friendship is something so sweet, gentle, and comforting. It doesn’t have to be passionate like love and burdensome like how family relationships can become. It doesn’t need to be deep, or dramatic, or complicated. It is kind. It is simple. Or at least, I think, it should be. It decorates our life with little lights of joy filled with short messages suddenly sent by a friend just to say: “I love you. I just want to say that.” It teaches us profound lessons that could echo for years through a random thought blurted out by your idiotic companion who likes to think that she is very smart. It connects us with the world through laughter, candies, late-night conversations, coffee, ramen, fandom, cutting class, video games, and all the wonderfully (weird and) special things that contribute to friendships.
I would like to think that friendship is one of the essential elements of life. And because it is so necessary, just like the water you drink, or the air you breath, friendship is natural, involuntary and universal. Suddenly, you become friends with someone. There is no anniversary date or a starting point. Without realizing it, someone becomes a part of your life. The best friendship occurs when you don’t force it, but it just happens.
However, because of its simple nature, friendship is also an underrated form of love. We may hug our friends too loosely and forget to ask how they are doing more often. We can take friends for granted, let go of friendships when certain things in life get in, and allow our friends to drift away from us. At one point, we may even become cynical, angry, and envious creatures who hurt our friends with immature actions and unintentionally hurtful remarks.
Because it is not that much of a challenge to make new friends, we forget about friends. Because we take friends for granted, we don’t make an effort to understand our friends and their actions.
Sometimes, I like to think of all these problems under the lens of “Why”, to just realize that I don’t have an answer. I am doing it all wrong, because friendship itself should be simple. It is about how after so many years, you still can meet with your friends and have a good laugh. About suddenly being reminded of them through little details like a type of food you used to get together or a song that once connected you two. About that sweet feeling that warms your heart when you think of the memories you once had. About missing your friends. About feeling guilty because you haven’t been in touch. About writing about it all.
And most importantly, about accepting that falling in and (not totally, just a little) out of friendships is a part of life.
To live alone and make the most of my time require disciplines.
I am writing from a small room in New York City. I have an hour to write for myself in future, who is eagerly waiting to read about her younger self. To my disappointment, I don’t know what to write, as I am not objectively aware of what I am doing right now with my life. And as clichéd as these words may sound, I will have to repeat them – strong and loud – because it is the truth, so as to fully absorb that my transient life — the life that I subconsciously regard as special and meaningful — is also as mundane as the lives of others. We are all lost, sometimes lonely, doubtful and even ignorant.
“I am a lost in the world of adulthood – a word that I cannot define.”
This time last week, the weather in New York was brutally cold. Yet, today it has got warmer and seems more manageable for wanderers who always look for good shots. Yesterday, I went to Roosevelt Island and and here are some photos of nature that I want to share with all of you!